Self vs Self
by DeviantWriter2015
Summary: Eddy and Lee get a rude awakening late one night against an old adversary.


[1]

DONK DONK DONK

The sound came in sets of three. Eddy thought it was just in his dream at first. He was Spiderman, swinging through Gotham City (for some reason).

When the knocks came, they didn't just quake in his ears; they sent vibrations all through Eddy's web. It shook like struck piano wire.

Then he was awake and the dream was over. It was dark, but not that dark. There was a street lamp on outside, and the window was at the perfect angle to let it through. Not that it was a good thing, his bedroom was shitty. Fuck it, the whole trailer was shitty but especially the bedroom. It was cramped and the air conditioning sucked dick. It wasn't a problem in the spring and fall, but this was July ladies and non-ladies. The temp had peaked at 100 last week; the Fourth of July had been fucking miserable.

He turned his head to the right and there was super bitch. She'd cut her red hair considerably, and straightened it out. So you could see more of her face. Eddy would be telling a big fat fuck of a lie if he said it was an ugly face.

She'd been clean for years now. That made her look even better. And of course she wasn't _that_ much of a bitch either, now that she was clean. That title belonged to him more than anything else. The relationship was there. Kevin and Nazz couldn't say that. Eddy still didn't know what had happened with that.

DONK DONK DONK

The noise jolted his body, made him sit upright. He looked around. The fear didn't have him yet. Not all of him.

Lee didn't move or wake up. She was a damn heavy sleeper, even when sober. All her sisters were. Big Ed sleepwalking into their trailer and taking their stupid Bottle Ship shit made all the sense in the world. The idiot had walked through their front door—literally _through_ it—and the Twat Sisters had probably picked their noses and rolled over.

Eddy turned his head to the alarm clock. Two in the morning. He'd have to be up for work in three hours. Who was knocking on their door at this time of the night?

DONK! DONK! DONK!

Much louder this time. Much fucking louder. And it was strong too. The whole trailer shook with it.

Something wasn't right. Marie and May both had keys. Double D would just call Eddy's cell. Only Lumpy would come over at this hour. But he wouldn't knock. He'd just run right through the door. He absolutely could. He'd proved it time and time again.

It could be one of the Cul-de-sac Gang. But he didn't think so. They didn't have that same superstitious fear of the trailer park that they did when they were kids. But the place was a dump. Eddy was pretty sure that the couple in the purple trailer next door were doing some Breaking Bad shit. He'd wake up one day, walk outside and see a crater where the purple trailer used to be. Just thinking about that made him smile.

That was it. It was one of their idiot neighbors. It would be an insult to call them rednecks. Lee and her sisters were rednecks and pretty bright...even May. Eddy's neighbors were all retards.

DONK DONK DONK!

Which one though? Eddy thought about it and realized it didn't matter. They wouldn't come knocking at past two for any good reason.

He got out of bed. He groped around on the floor for his sweaty boxers and found them, put them on. He got down on his belly, and pulled the baseball bat out from under the bed.

He went from the bedroom to the kitchen, which was also the TV room and the laundry room. He paused before the front door. Damn, he wished that it _was_ Ed...or that Lump was here. Someone had tried to pull a gun on Ed once and he'd smacked it away, with a dreamy look on his face. That guy was basically Goku from DBZ Abridged. Eddy actually felt sorry for any stupid fuck that tried to mug him in an alley.

Or Kevin. It would be great if Shovel Chin was here. He was bigger than Eddy and stronger, though Eddy would jam forks into his eyes before admitting it.

 _Damn it Pipsqueak...you're even more of a bitch than usual tonight._

A familiar voice to Eddy...and not a good one. He grinded his teeth together.

That had too much of an effect on him. He didn't bother keeping the chain secure. He flung the door open. Even before it cracked against the inside wall, bouncing back, Eddy knew he'd fucked up.

A fist pistoned right through the doorway. As it came in, light winked off the brass knuckles the fist was riding behind.

Eddy turned his head, and the pain exploded evenly across his face instead of at one particular point. He went flying.

[2]

And crashed against the couch in the middle of the room. He did a backflip over it. The baseball bat went flying.

The room was already getting darker, clouds of black sat on the edges of Eddy's vision. He shook the clouds away and that helped, but it made his headache worsen. And boy did he have a headache.

He realized he was upside down, at the foot of the couch.

Eddy slowly righted himself and stood up. His attacker had more than enough time to enter the kitchen/TV room. The man wore a wife beater and shorts: the exact same thing Eddy was wearing.

It was Edmond. His brother.

Eddy was swallowed by something that was a mixture of high octane terror and absolute rage. He hadn't seen his brother since the Eds had run away from the Cul-de-sac ten years ago. Eddy had walked away with two broken arms, but Edmond had been knocked out with a single door.

Then the Kankers had locked him into his own trailer and set it ablaze.

"Sup Pipsqueak." Edmond said. He took two more steps into the trailer. Along with the brass knuckles on his left fist, he had a metal bat held in the right.

"Fucking Christ..."Eddy muttered.

"You don't call. You don't shoot me an email."

"You've been in prison." Eddy said. His hand gripped around a bat that wasn't there.

"And now I'm out." his brother said proudly.

"You escaped." Eddy corrected.

"What the fuck ever." There was a big smile on Edmond's face, and not a nice one.

"What do you want."

"Money." His brother said.

"You want cash? From me? I live in a fucking trailer you idiot."

Edmond kept the grin up. "Oh...I'm sorry, I wasn't being specific. I want money, but I don't expect to get it here. I'll talk to your girlfriend about it. What was her name? Double D that was it."

"I'm _here_ because I'm going to beat the shit out of you."

He charged forward, swinging the bat left and right. Eddy ducked, rolled, and Edmond passed him on the right.

His brother turned, and the bat flashed down. Eddy rolled again, but when he stood up, his brother punched him in the gut.

Eddy buckled over. He looked up suddenly, and he punched his brother right in the groin.

Edmond's eyes bugged out. Eddy grinned. This would be just like the amusement park. He was a one-hitter quitter. Not that tough—

Edmond's foot came out. It knocked Eddy into a backflip. He landed on his face.

"Shit." Eddy grunted.

"They teach you a lot of things at prison Skipper." Edmond said. "Taking a punch is one of them. It won't be like at the park, "

Eddy looked around for his bat. It was over by the kitchen sink. He crawled for it. His brother kicked him in the sides. Eddy slid into the kitchen counter with a bang that shook the trailer.

"Damn it!" Eddy cried, and reached for the bat. He grabbed it. His brother stepped on it.

"Not fast enough Skipper." Edmond said. All the humor had gone out of his voice. His smile was gone, replaced with a grimace of terrible intent.

Eddy leaned in and bit Edmond in the crotch. His brother screamed so hard the trailer seemed to shake with the noise. It filled Eddy's ears and stabbed into the drums.

The brass knuckles flashed down. Eddy was knocked to the ground. There was a ringing sound in his ears. Already it was beginning to fade. His brother had hit him in the head plenty of times before. Eddy had a good _chin,_ as the boxers might say.

But he was still helpless on the ground.

His brother raised the brass knuckles again. Suddenly, a fist collided with his face. A strong hit. It sent him flying into the wall by the front door. The trailer tilted, up and to the right. It held for one second—long enough for Eddy to think it would tilt all the way over. Then it reluctantly settled down again with a small _*crash.*_

"What are you doing to my baby?"

Lee Kanker had woken up.

[3]

Her figure was good and slender. She wore a black bra and panties. Her belly was slightly marked with scars. Eddy didn't know why they were there and didn't want to guess.

Her expression was equal parts amusement and anger. Her green eyes shined like daggers. Her tone was cool and even—that was _always_ a badsign.

Edmond stood up. He was bleeding from the mouth and nose. He looked dizzy. "You again."

"Me again."

"Where are the rest of those cunts?"

That made Lee Kanker chuckle. "My sisters? You don't have to worry about that."

Lee cracked her neck and her knuckles. Eddy could've looked away. He already knew how this shit was going to turn out.

Edmond charged at Lee. He'd dropped the metal bat but still had the knuckles. It didn't matter. His fist came out. Lee caught it effortlessly. Edmond tried to force her back, the muscles straining on his arms, his face a tight mask.

Lee didn't strain at all. She looked bored. It was comical. Eddy's brother was tall, and she was average height. Both of them were taller than Eddy, of course.

She began to squeeze. There was the thin _crack_ of the brass knuckles breaking apart. Then there was nothing to stop her from squeezing into his hand.

Edmond's face began to change. It went from straining with the effort, to wide-eyed with growing pain. He gasped. It was music to Eddy's ears.

Lee's grip tightened and she turned her own fist up. Edmond's wrist turned up and he slowly dropped to his knees. "Fuck! Stop it!"

Lee began to smile. A real smile. A genuine smile of genuine happiness.

She turned to her head to Eddy. "You want me to do it, baby, or do you want to?"

"You do it." Eddy said instantly.

"Fine."

Her other fist came crashing forward and Edmond was sent into the trailer wall again. This time it _was_ hard enough to tilt the whole thing over. The beer bottles on the kitchen counter and table went flying. The table in front of the TV tumbled. The TV itself broke against the wall. Some glass exploded. Eddy hoped it wasn't the Ship Inna Bottle.

Eddy and Lee both fell onto the bottom wall. "Fuck!"

"Shit. Too much power into it."

Eddy glared at her. Angry, but it passed quickly. She'd saved their asses. Edmond would've killed both of them if he had the chance.

"We gotta call the cops." Eddy said.

"Then do it."

Neither one of them moved. Between them was the hole that Edmond's body had ripped through the wall. He was probably still alive.

"You're so strong Lee. Why are you fucking around with me?" Eddy asked.

"You think I'm strong? I just beat up a moron, hon. That ain't strength."

"Seems like it to me."

She smiled at him. "You got a steady job at the factory, Eddy. You might even get promoted. That's _strength._ "

"I'm as bad as he is."

She socked him for that. Socked him hard.

"Shit Lee!"

"Don't EVER say that." Her tone was low and dangerous.

Eddy looked at her, wide-eyed.

"You're a good man. You don't scam people any more. You play stupid pranks yeah, but you don't hurt anyone. Not on purpose. That's more than he can ever say. Don't forget that."

She reached a hand out to him. The nails were painted green, like her eyes.

Eddy grinned his PR grin at her. "I won't."


End file.
